Anger – Why us ??

via Daily Prompt: Bewildered

It has angered and bewildered me many times in the past one year to wonder why us ?? What did we do to deserve this.. Have channelled my energy in seeking answers and yet have found one and only thing that has soothed my bewildered gut- PRAYERS.

And maybe it has come from watching my mother who is 83 now.

I  have watched her since I was little girl. My mom pray with sincerity every single day without fail. Many a times the going got tough and yet she never wavered. Have seen her battle the worst (my dad battling cancer, my handicapped brother acting up , socially ostracized etc) and  she is a living example of how  faith and prayers keep one going.

While it has been far from easy, I have witnessed that faith and belief, knowing that we don’t run this world and knowing that there are reasons and a purpose behind what we see, has helped us through….. But sometimes in my bewildered state have asked HIM “why ???” Why does a beautiful girl (inside and out) suffer a life from a fractured mind ?? I guess it is his way of  teaching me and giving me new insights to LIFE.

As I’ve prayed through the sufferings of my  family , I’ve discovered that prayer isn’t so much a mystery to be bewildered with as it is the anchor to be secured by. Prayer, indeed, is the tether that ties us to the only One who is loving enough to listen compassionately, the only One wise enough to answer rightly, the only One mighty enough to respond.

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Have a tendency (proclivity) to dwelve into the past :(

via Daily Prompt: Proclivity

What is the best way to not look into the past  ??? How does one move forward without any pain whatsoever. A couple of things have helped me –

Prayers

Meditation

Hobbies

And my work.

Unless I am completely busy the old thoughts come rolling back. They negate all my hard work and I fall back into a hopeless pit.. Embracing midlife can be a daunting task especially when you have a special needs child. And creating a work life balance makes it harder.The  tendency to work  harder when under stress due to several reasons narrows the focus and short-circuits the very habits that helps me cope……

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SAD :(

On some days this is how I feel……

Especially in winter. Am I suffering from SAD ? Also I have noticed that loneliness brings out the creativity within me.But why is it so hard to discuss such things with even the closest to you??? Only happiness and cheer is shareable.The so called friends become silent and distant.

Well at least it gets me to focus on things that I love and every silent moment is a revelation of my true self.

An emotional dilemma – Aging parents

I was on a short trip to India from USA for about 2 weeks in Feb .I do these trips every year to meet my mom who is  82 yrs old. She is pictured above with her best friends dad who is 101, in her native village of Tanjore, in Tamil Nadu , India . In the second picture she is posing outside her ancestral home , which is 130 plus years old. She was excited like a child to see the streets she played on with her friends and it brought back all the child in her. She explained to my brothers,my niece and myself the great times she had with her siblings and all the stories of a bygone era…

Every year prior to the visit I get highly excited about meeting her and plan all the things I could do to make her happy. But as soon as the trip starts and it is time for me to return to my adopted country the emotional turmoil starts…. Every visit makes me realize how frail she looks and I just do not have the heart to leave her and come 😦

As my mother gets older and reaches an age where she needs more help and emotional support , I am confronted with a challenge that most of us living abroad  far away face  – how to juggle our responsibility towards our parents,  with the many demands of our own families.The underlying emotional conflict is something that is indescribable.

My moms problem is compounded by the fact that my eldest brother is physically disabled and hence she is bound to stay in India with him and my other brother. Even though it would be easy to get a Green card to the USA for her through me ,it is almost impossible for my physically disabled brother to cross the hurdles of immigration due to the sibling rules for Green card. So therefore  technically it a double burden for my other brother .He has two people to take care of and  frustations do add up .I wish I could do something to ease the burden …

As a good  son or daughter, we are bound by our culture to perform a role that we may or may not want to . I had noticed in the case of my mom who lives with her two sons ( who are also aging ) that she prefered sharing her little secrets,philosophies etc with me the daughter rather than my brothers and their families. They do treat her well. Yet there are times when she is made to feel that she is burden and  they cannot have a social life of their own due to various reasons and circumstances.

I  believe that if we can somehow shift our own perspective on the problem and stop seeing the care-taking of old parents as a burden, we may be able to deal with it more effectively and with less anxiety- is what I always tell my brother…..

My goal is here is merely to share my own individual dilemma of balancing my own needs with those of my mother.I realize that adopting a new perspective and creating workable arrangements are much easier said than done.